AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE

[Disco]

>> AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE>>>>>>>> IN GENERAL>> 1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.>> 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.>> 3. It"s tacky to take an esky to church.>> 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it"s time to change the sheets.>> 5. Even if you"re certain you"re included in the will, it"s rude to take>> your ute and trailer to the funeral.>>>> DINING OUT.>> 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly >> so>> as not to bruise the wine.>> 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.>>>> ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME.>> 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a>> taxidermist.>> 2. Don"t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his >> manners.>>>> PERSONAL HYGIENE.>> 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in >> private,>> using one"s OWN ute keys.>> 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn"t a waste of money.>> 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.>> 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste >> of>> finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from>> your jewellery.>>>> DATING.>> 1. Always offer to bait your date"s hook - especially on the first date.>> 2. Be assertive. Let her know you"re interested: "I"ve been wanting to go>> out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years>> ago.">> 3. Establish with her parents what time she"s expected back. Some will >> say>> 11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it"s>> the man"s responsibility to get her to school on time.>>>> THEATRE ETIQUETTE.>> 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the >> movie>> ends.>> 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have >> proven>> they can"t hear you.>>>> WEDDINGS.>> 1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.>> 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your>> popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of>> place)>> 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and >> a>> clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.>> 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.>>>> DRIVING ETIQUETTE.>> 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your guns are>> loaded and the roo is in your rifle sight.>> 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar >> doesn"t>> always have the right of way.>> 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.>> 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it"s impolite >> to>> ask her to bring back beer too.

[bones]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!""What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.""This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.""What a coincidence!" said the farmer.As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?""My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!" "What a coincidence!" said the man. "I"m a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs." "That"s great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I used a different ****," he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence"