jokes

[tonydenton]

a farmer buys a new ****. as soon as he takes it home it rushes around and f#+ks all the 150 hens.

[mattsteele]

I walked into the local café the other day and asked old bud behind the counter for a hamburger, but with a stale bread roll, the meat paddy burnt on the outside and still raw on the inside, no beetroot or tomato,

[Russell]

I came in touch with my inner self today.....................it"s the last time i buy cheap toilet paper ;D ;DOn occasions i will drink a glass of water....................just to surprise my liver ;D ;D

[mattsteele]

I call it John Wayne paper...... Its rough, its tough and don"t take **** off know one.

[eigyro]

Star Trek toilet paper - eliminates Klingons.

[GraemeMonro]

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutesThe congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn"t talk for more than 8 minutes.The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.But, the third Sunday, he put his wife"s" teeth in by mistake and he couldn"t shut up.

[mad max]

Old mate joined the monastery. He was told he could say two words every 10 years. After the first 10 yrs he was asked if he had anything to say. He said "Too cold" so he was promised an extra blanket. After 20 yrs he was asked the same question and he said "I"m hungry" so he was promised an extra serve of porridge at break-fast. After 30 yrs. he said "I quit" The head monk said "Thank Christ for that, you"ve done nothing but complain since you"ve been here!

[tryhardgolfer]

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was

[mad max]

G"Day Dave, I like that quick thinking old fellow. I must drop in and test your coil connections on your gyro as I"ve fitted a $1,500 new aftermarket LT10 engine management system and it has no spark. The Gregorys book is designed for the sunday serviceman and use-less and I can"t find any relevant info. on the internet. All I need to know is where the 4 pins go to. The micro tech diagram is unclear and with electronics it"s best you don"t experiment. Besides, I"m looking forward to inspecting your runway improvements. Speaking of electronics, my mob. went off in the middle of the night a week ago reminding that it was your birthday soon. Weird stuff that electronics?

[KEVT]

Hi Max, you finally got the right comp. Usually its the crank/cam sensor wiresthat are tricky to sort with the Microtech. I have just finished a couple ofinstallations on EJ 25s and there running magnificent. If your having problems give me a call. I MAY !!! be able to help.

[tryhardgolfer]

Hi Max,I have the original microtek manual somewhere, the installer has marked what they have done, runway is alot clearer at the highway end (still waiting for a visit from the shire to ask who pushed all the trees over

[mad max]

G"Day, Dave, I"ve got your manual. Same as the one I received with my new system. It would be good to fly out of your strip without having another near death experience. They"re hard on the "ticker" I"ve fitted a bosch pre-rotator to my new gyro (more horsepower than the little 3 brush mitsubishi starter. Now I"m wondering if you could fit an extension to the rear of the armature shaft and rig a spline drive to the engine to assist the electric pre- rot. Thanks for the phone call Kevin. The microteck ECU is flashing an orange light when cranking but not consistent. When I pull the throttle to idle, (eng. not running) the dash unit says: TPS 55* and at full throttle it says 0* Have I got the TPS wires back to front? Being a retired Auto. sparky is not much help to me as when someone came into my w/shop with a tricky electronic fault I"d run with my tail between my legs ;D

[KEVT]

Hi Max, Yes you have the TPS back to front.

[Gleeso]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant,"Muthu"s Place," and noticed that the Indian waiter who took ourorder carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a littlestrange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observedthat he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked aroundand saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. Whenthe waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, "Why the spoon?""Well, "he explained, "the restaurant"s owner hired AndersenConsulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months ofanalysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequentlydropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, wecan reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it withhis spare.. "I"ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitcheninstead of making an extra trip to get it right now.." I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indianwaiter"s fly.Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the samestring hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I askedthe waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that stringright there?""Oh, certainly!" Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. "Noteveryone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned alsolearned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this stringto the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touchingit and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the timespent in the restroom by 76.39%."I asked quietly, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?""Well," he whispered, "I don"t know about the others, but I use thespoon.."

[dog]

for twenty years I thought my wife had tourettes syndrome .......,i was wrong turns out she really does thinks I am a f**king ba**ard! ;D