Kev 07

[Russell]

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It"s been flickering for weeks now.. He looks at her and says angrily, fix the lights now? Does it look like i have energy australia written on my forehead?i don"t think so. Fine, then the wife asks, well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won"t close right to which he replied, fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have westinghouse written on my forehead? I don"t think so fine, she says then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to ! Break i"m not a carpenter and i don"t want to fix steps he says, does it look like i have bunnings written on my forehead? I don"t think so i"ve had enough of you. I"m going to the pub!!!! So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours............... He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home as he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house , he sees the hall light is working as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. Honey, he asks, how"d all this get fixed? She said, well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake. He said, so what kind of cake did you ! Bake? She replied, hellooooo.. Do you see sara lee written on my forehead?

[GraemeMonro]

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back withnormal results. The doctor says, "John, everything looks great. How are youdoing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"John replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he"sfixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,*poof*!, the light goes on. When I"m done, *poof*!, the light goes off.""Wow, that"s incredible," the doctor says.A little later in the day, the doctor calls John"s wife. "Babs," he says,"John is doing fine but I had to call you because I"m in awe of

[birdy]

It is socialism by stealth.And people dred communism.Least commys, ALL of um, have to pull their weight.Dictatership is the best, and ill volenteer now for the top job.

[Russell]

You got my vote.............i rekin you would make a top Dick

[Des Garvin]

At least the bull that Daveo produces is usefull not like what others produce.Cheers have a great day.Des Garvin.

[Russell]

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the ****?It"s called the **** Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a sh1ty outlook on life.If you don"t believe it, try to pull a hair from your **** and see if it doesn"t bring tears to your eyes.

[GraemeMonro]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?"The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham andcheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer,and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub,(because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and theToastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaveThe next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,please barman." The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie,and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them downThe next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

[Russell]

A cowboy and his new wife had just got married and found a nice hotel in High River for their wedding night.The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.He said, "We"re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. The clerk winked, "You want the Bridal"? The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nope, I reckon not. I"ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it." ;D ;D

[Russell]

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"Maxine: "No, they spread.

[GraemeMonro]

I THINK YOU" RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says hello.He"s rather taken aback because he can"t place where he knows her from.So he says, "Do you know me?"To which she replies, "I think you"re the father of one of my kids."Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I"m your son"s teacher."

[gbw]

"I heard someone say on the ABC radio the other day that he wouldn"t trust Mr Sheen cause he looked too much like a Dentist. I have to agree."Russ,I am going to need your help with this Horan bloke! When did he drop the W?Trouble is he speaks sense most of the time.Anyway, we are fixing those darn farmers in Victoria. Building a great pipe to suck all the water away, so they cannot grow anything.Trouble is, we only have two parties and two medias. They take it turn about. Look what they did to Pauline Hanson when she tried speaking some sense.And building Canberra did us no favours. Third generation public servants are now in power. oh well...A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchairFlipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I"ll take the soup."

[Russell]

That"s right................anybody that looks down a gob all day, gota be suss ( i rekin ol whoran was a dentist in another life )

[firefly]

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.3) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $40.00 Coffee: $2.00 Total: $42.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a cheque for $50.00. 2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, write a cheque for $40, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under caravan. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in wheely bin to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine. 19) Remember drain plug from step 11. 20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21) Drink beer. 22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25) Begin swearing fit. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 28) Beer. 29) Cleanup hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30) Beer. 31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil. 32) Beer. 33) Lower car from jack stands. 34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35) Beer. 36) Test drive car. 37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38) Car is impounded. 39) Call loving wife, make bail. 40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2400.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1500.00 Beer: $40.00 Total: $4,085.00 But you know the job was done right!

[birdy]

Thats why i still drive me 25 yo

[Russell]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.