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Seeing how there has been a spate of slinging matches I felt it was time to bring some humor to the party. Remember not to take life too seriously guys... you never get out alive anyway!Joke for the day...A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the **** out of him. L.Magner
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Love it Lloyd. love it!!!!!!!!!!Aussie Paul. [
]www.firebirdgyros.com
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This site is only visited by men right!!Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machinewill probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink...................................How do you know when a woman is about to say Something smart?When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."Mark
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great." "You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!" "Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!" Mark
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What's the difference between Gyro's and Football,Basketball and soccer ?????You only need one ball to play the other sports.........Art...
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That's not a joke Art,thats a fact.Ever wundered why a sheala's insides don't fall out when she sits on the throne???The vacuum in her head holds them up.
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A new fella in Darwin walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the fella asks the barman what the test is. The barman replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a croc out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The fella says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Safe Flying ... ding
Humility is when you know your place...Humiliation is when someone else puts you there
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Thanx Ding,I just pissed meself.
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Noada spika da IngleshA bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the fallowing:" Emma come first. den I come. Den two asses come togetta. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come togetta again. I come again and pee twice. I come a one lasta time."" You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly." In this country .....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...""Hey coola down lady," said the man. " Whoa talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin ma friend how ta spella 'Mississippi'."Des Garvin
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Ol trader Jo,in the wild west of the US of A landed a delivery of a new invention called ass paper.Think'n that it could be a little hard to sell such a luxury to the common theives, bounty hunters and injuns,he devised a competition to help promote this fancy new product.He'd sell every customer a roll to try and if they could think of an appropriate,civilised name for this stuff ,he'd give the winner a carton as a prise.One of the first regular customers was old cheif Hunglikeahores from the local tribe.He offered the cheif a roll and explained how to use ass paper and the rules of the comp.The cheif agreed to try it out and thought it wasn't such a bad idea,"better 'n' use'n me hand" he thought.A couple of days later ol Hunglikeahorse is back at trader Jo's with the roll and Jo asks him,How was the ass paper??Ug,you can keep ass paper.Wot you mean ug??ug mean I don't like um ass paper,but I got name for ass paper.Oh,and wot you call ass paper??I call um Jon Wayn paper.What,why you call it Jon Wayn???Coz it's rough,it's tough and it don't take no **** off no injun.
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The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied," Melbourne" "Really" she said. "I have family in Melbourne" "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyerSafe Flying ... ding
Humility is when you know your place...Humiliation is when someone else puts you there
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Bones, got news for you, my wife reads some of these posts !!
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Tell your wife to mind her own busness and git back to the sink.[}][
][][xx(]
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Guy marries a wealthy young Lass.Upon return from their honeymoon, the Bride gets a call from her mother who is anxious to know how everyting went."Wonderfull!" The Bride exclaims " Except, that no sooner had we returned home, Guy started using these awful four letter words"."Really! What are they?" asks the Mother. "Cook, Dust, Wash, Bake, Iron".They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;After marriage, it is self defense. The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. []Jeff H-S
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A bit more humour....A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was differenteach week, so he did the same tricks over and over again.One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week andbegan to understand how the magician did every trick.Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:"Look, it's not the same hat!""Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table.""Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"The magician was furious but couldn't do anything about it. It was, after all the captain's parrot.Then the ship sank. The magician found himself floating on apiece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.This went on for a day and then another and then another.Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?"Hope this helps[]Hoges
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