Time for some humour

[NiqueNaque]

From a good friend of mine.,. If you can't read 'New Zealand' Ha Ha don't bother with this.Helen Clarke, Prime Munister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at4am by the tilephone. "Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durexfectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all thoseunwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad...Brutain?..."PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need onemoollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That waythey'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour ofneed.Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She findscondoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one......... MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUMCheers,Nick.

[asra]

If you want to test your skills and waste some time, try this:

[asra]

Texas Vs. Australia A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!" They walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has died down when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?" Aussie Paul.[]www.firebirdgyros.com

[asra]

Nothing funny about this butImage Insert: 88.57

[asra]

Walking on Water... A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.A little while later the minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his business and returns across the water to the boat. Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat. But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks were." Aussie Paul. []www.firebirdgyros.com

[NiqueNaque]

I'll attribute this one to a friend of mine: AUSTRALIAN Police Warning: Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars, to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please forward this warning to every male you know.(And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

[mrford61]

Two drovers talking in the Overlander Hotel at Mt Isa.One asks "What you up to?""Aah taking a mob from Winton through to Gympie""Yeah? , what route you takin?"" Probly the missus, she stuck with me through the drought and all"

[Des Garvin]

Hi All, Log into your Google serch thingy and type in failure and then clik on i'm feeling lucky instead of the word search. Happy laughing, Des Garvin

[NiqueNaque]

Here's a joke for you:An association between bush and intelligence...http://www.cia.gov/cia/information/bush.html

[asra]

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, Some old barstard wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there." "Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!" "Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Des Garvin]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden and he felt lonely. "What is the matter with you?", God asked. Adam said, he had no one to talk to. God said, he would make him a companion and that would be a woman.He said: "The woman will collect food for you and she will make your food, and when you discover clothes she will wash it for you.She will also agree with you in all of your decisions and she will not argue with you, and she will always be the first to admit that she is wrong when you have a fight or disagreement.She will compliment you!She will carry your children and will never ask you to get up at nights to take care of the children.She will NEVER have a headache and will always give you love and passion whenever you want it."Adam asked God "What is the price of such a woman?"A God Answered "An arm and a leg". Then Adam asked "What can I then get for a rib?" "Then it becomes a little different..." The rest is history...A man with a big mouth here or was he a poly.What you focus on grows. Des Gravin

[asra]

KEEP THE PREACHER The Preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregationthat will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up andproclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says: "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex." There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said......'Screw the preacher CheersSonny[8D]Intelligence is not a privilege,it is a gift and should be used for the good of mankind.

[asra]

This just in.......Europe adopts English as its official language.The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. Kev

[NiqueNaque]

How do Americans grow mushrooms?30 Kilotons and bang! There's your mushroom!30 Kilotons and boom! Look, there's another one!(c) Nicholas Tomlin 20050516Nicholas TomlinAlarmist - www.alarmist.com.au - we scare for you

[NiqueNaque]

How do Americans grow mushrooms?30 Kilotons and bang! There's your mushroom!30 Kilotons and boom! Look, there's another one!(c) Nicholas Tomlin 20050516Nicholas TomlinAlarmist - www.alarmist.com.au - we scare for you