Time for some humour

[NiqueNaque]

Wild Jamaican Sex!A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring aroundthe marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "Youforeigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"So the married couple walked in.The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gavein, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes. something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent himviolently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!

[birdy]

Wots the difference between a circus clown and a police batton?A circus clown dose cunning stunts, a police batton is for stunning c...Ignorance is bliss............but only till you realise you were.Ingratitude stinks.......be generous carefully.

[asra]

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting their kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said I don'tthink you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill answered the son. I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill." The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."Mark

[asra]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving. The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.Anything you say can and will be held against you..."The drunk replies; "Tits." Mark

[asra]

A blonde was fed up with being picked on all the time so she dyedher hair brunette to try and gain more respect.She was driving along a country road feeling pleased withherself when she spotted a Cocky musterin a mob of sheep, on foot,because sheep are to smart to be mustered by a Gyro. She went overto test her new status. " listen mister, if I can guess exactlyhow many sheep are in that bunch, can I have one? The Cocky was a bittaken back but decided to go along with it and said, "Ok."She looked at the mob and said,"250".The bloke was astounded andsaid, "Why, thats right,ok, pick out the one you want".The woman looked long and hard,then made her choice and struggledback to her car and put the animal in the boot.The Cocky watched all of this and then said. "Lady, if I can guessthe true colour of your hair,could I have me dog back ?"Robert DunnMackay. Qld.Growing old is good while it lasts.

[asra]

A Rasta Man at job interview: Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Rastaman says. "Oh, dat dere is easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "You no see it, mon? Tree and tree and tree make nine, nuh?" says the Rasta. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Rasta stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go" The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees him dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99. 'You tink I no got brain?" The boss is getting angry as is worried he's going to have to hire this Rasta, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Rasta stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go, mon. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Rasta leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along, seen, and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start, boss?"LlewellaA sceptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it is a forgery.

[asra]

[asra]

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin."How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you,Honey.""And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues."Yes, Sweetheart, he did.""And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?""Yes, Honey, all of them, too."The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!" Mark

[asra]

90 year old guy goes to see docdoc " what can I do for you sir"old man " doc , I want my sex lowered"doc "how old are you"old man "I'm 90years of age doc"doc "sir, at your age , it's all in your mind"old man "that's right doc.....I want it lowered[]Russ....A1014 NT....gods country

[asra]

Last one......God made boys, he made them out of string, he had a little over....so he made a little thing.God made girls, he made them out of lace, he didn't have enough, so he left a little space.[]Russ....A1014 NT....gods country

[asra]

Three pieces of string walk into a pub & sit at a vacent table, one of them walked to the bar & orders three beers.Sorry we dont serve string here said the barman, so he went back to the table told his mates. The second piece of string said he'd have a go, I told your mate we dont serve string here the barman said again. Dejected the peice of string walked back to his mates still seated at the table.The third peice of string thought bugger this & tied himself into a knot & roughed up the end then walked up to the bar & ordered three beers.Arnt you a piece of string ? The barman snorted......NO said the third peice of string... "Afraid Not"

[asra]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around K-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her, what does she look like?" The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours!"

[asra]

Two guys sitting at the bar having a beer. One has a dog laying on the floor. Dog is doing what most dogs do to their private parts. One guy says to other " geez, wish I could do that" second guy says "if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you"[]Russ....A1014 NT....gods country

[telf]

A dyslexic walks into a bra.........A termite walks into a bar and asks, "So where's the bar tender?"A bloke in his 70s walks into a bar, sits down and notices that the bloke beside him is an old shearing mate that he hasn't seen in about 50 years. The conversation goes like this...'Don, is that you?''Gees Harry, its got to be 50 years. What you been up to? Still getting a bit on the side?''Bit on the side??? I haven't had it in so long, I didn't know that they'd moved it!!'Flying - The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. (Douglas Adams-The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

[asra]

Company rep, visiting town, goes to local pub for a beersees an attractive lady sitting alone, goes over, and they begin talking etc etcAfter a while he says to her "how about we go up to my room and have sex"She replies " I only make love to men with 8 inch dicks"Man replies " be buggered if I'm going to cut 2 inches off my dick for any *****"[]Russ....A1014 NT....gods country