Time for some humour

[asra]

True blue Aussie love poem.Of course I love ya darlin'You're a bloody top notch birdAnd when I say you're gorgeousI mean every single wordSo ya bum is on the big sideI don't mind a bit of flabIt means that when I'm readyThere's something there to grabSo your belly isn't flat no moreI tell ya I don't careSo long as when I cuddle yaI can get my arms 'round thereNo sheila who is your ageHas nice round perky breastsThey just gave in to gravityBut I know ya did ya bestI'm tellin' ya the truth nowI'd never tell ya liesI think it's very sexyThat you've got dimples in ya thighsI swear on me Nanna's grave nowthe moment that we metI thought ya was as good asI was ever gonna getNo matter wot you look likeI'll always love ya dearNow shut up while the footie's onAnd get me another beer.L.Magner

[asra]

Some new words to add to the dictionary. TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking b*llocks. BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on.(This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded administration" needless paperwork and processes. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 not found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all') GOING FOR A Mc SH*T - Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a Mc Sh*t with Lies. AEROPLANE BLONDE - One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. AUSSIE KISS - Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. BEER COAT - The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning. BEER COMPASS - The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. BOBFOC - Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch. BREAKING THE SEAL - Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the >night. JOHNNY-NO-STARS - A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staffs at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. MILLENNIUM DOMES - The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing. MONKEY BATH - A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:"Oo! Oo! Ho! Aa! Aa! Aa!". MYSTERY BUS - The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. MYSTERY TAXI - The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. SALAD DODGER - An excellent phrase for an overweight person. SWAMP-DONKEY - A deeply unattractive woman. Kevin

[asra]

[asra]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy andasked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves,cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower,I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."The two sat sipping in silence ...................................A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[asra]

Geez ... what an eye opener ... I must be one too ...Safe Flying ... ding Insanity is hereditory, you get it from your kids!

[birdy]

I'm a self confessed female faggot.Ignorance is bliss............but only till you realise you were.Ingratitude stinks.......be generous carefully.

[asra]

Gyro Pre-Flight Sobriety CheckJust move your mouse left to right (no clicking) to keep yourself walking in a straight line. The object is to keep walking, without falling over, by using your mouse from left to right or right to left. Over 50 meters and you're fit to fly the Space Shuttle, over 70 meters and you are obviously a gyro pilot. Under 10 meters, you are probably sober and shouldn't be flying.CLICK ON THE HYPERLINK BELOW TO SELF-TEST http://www.wagenschenke.ch/ NB Don't worry if you can't read the instructions, they're in German - so keep drinking.

[Echo]

Good one ,Daj! 47 metres is as far as I got,I'll have a few drinks & try again tonight( any excuse for a beer)

[NiqueNaque]

The tax inspector At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."

[asra]

Sh*t i must be a lesbian trapped in a mans body too then.This is the reason why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died! At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both lawyers to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you b*stards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."Mark

[pocky]

How does a lesbian get pregant??Guanranteed it will be 97% fat free,boundry rider

[birdy]

The latest sergical opperation do'n the rounds of dyks,......strapadicktome.Ignorance is bliss............but only till you realise you were.Ingratitude stinks.......be generous carefully.

[pocky]

E,nuff, M,Duff, 2 fuffboundry rider

[birdy]

??????????????Ignorance is bliss............but only till you realise you were.Ingratitude stinks.......be generous carefully.

[asra]

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