Time for some humour

[asra]

What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?Is it Miiine?

[asra]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."LlewellaYou shouldn't push your luck. Play it safe and move the ladder..

[asra]

I know its long, but its worth the read! Sorry in advance Chuck.

[asra]

Now that is clever.TedSquare bear at least once a day keeps the blues away.

[asra]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane. He turned to the little boy and said," Let's talk. I heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers." Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "Okay. What would you like to discuss?" Thinking he would have some fun at the little boy's expense, the stranger said, "Oh, I don't know. How about the advantages and disadvantages of nuclear power?" "Okay," said Johnny, "that could be an interesting topic. But first let me ask you a question. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same kinds of grass, yet the deer excretes little round pellets, while the cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces round clumps that look like dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Holy smokes!" said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well then," said little Johnny as he opened his book and prepared to resume reading, "how is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"Safe Flying ... ding Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment

[Michael]

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blondewoman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile."Hello," she said, as she waited for her change."Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion."Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," shesaid apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store.The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking womanlike that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he beganto worry. He had had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted ina child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about thesame height.On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran overto her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that nightat a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you?We shagged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got reallywild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son'sEnglish teacher."

[asra]

Australian bureaucracy at its best!THE ORIGINAL STORY OF THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPERThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building hishouse and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays thesummer away.Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper hasno food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.THE MODERN AUSTRALIAN VERSIONThe ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building hishouse and laying up supplies for the winter.The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays thesummer away.Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to knowwhy the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others lessfortunate like him are cold and starving.The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shiveringgrasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warmhome with a table filled with food.Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poorgrasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstratein front of the ant's house.The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from NorthQueensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We ShallOvercome."Bob Brown rants in an interview with Ray Martin that the ant has gottenrich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hikeon the ant to make him pay his "fair share."In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equityand Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retrospective to the beginningof the summer.It is quickly passed through the Senate.The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hiregrass hoppers as helpers.Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposedretrospective taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.The ant moves to Asia, and starts a successful agribiz company.The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the lastof the ant's food though Spring is still months away, while thegovernment owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's oldhouse crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it. Inadequategovernment funding is blamed, Kim Beasley now is appointed to head acommission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000.The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney MorningHerald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the rootcauses of despair arising from social inequity.The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders,praised by the government for enriching Australia's multiculturaldiversity, who promptly terrorize the community.

[NiqueNaque]

oh so true...

[birdy]

Heh heh heh...........mmmmmmmIgnorance is bliss............but only till you realise you were.You can always get the answer you want, if you ask enough experts.

[Tim]

Well, bite my tongue. No further comments for fear of offending some noisy minority group or "do gooder".Tim McClure

[asra]

We must show some sympathy and compassion for the spider.If he wasn't sick in the head, he wouldn't put a scar... oops,bandage onit !Robert DunnMackay. Qld.Growing old is good while it lasts.

[asra]

A young hopeful from a large country town made his way to the big smoke to make his fortune as a super salesman but had some difficulty getting anyone to hire him on the strength of having persuded Mrs McGillicuddy to buy two of the latest mobile milking machines. Eventually, by frequenting the local hostelry, he made contact with a sales manager who agreed to give him a one day trial in the huge, new, sell-anything-to-anyone emporium that had just recently opened in town. He was put under the wing of the sports department head who had been briefed as to the one-day deal.At the end of the day the Sales Manager nade his way down to the sports department to see how the young bloke had performed."How many sales did he make?" The Sports Dept bloke replied "Only one." "What? Just one sale all day?" "Yep, took him almost the whole day, too""Call him over here, right now!""OK, young Jones, they tell me you only made a single sale all day and that took up most of your time. What have you got to say for yourself?""Well, Sir. It was for six hundred and twenty five thousand dollars and he took a lot of persuading.""What the hell did you sell out of here that was worth that amount of money? And how did you do it?""Well, I sold him a packet of small fish hooks but then i told him that if he wanted to catch bigger fish he'd need bigger hooks, so I sold him some bigger hooks. He looked a bit dubious, so I explained that he might need some really big hooks if he wanted to get the biggest fish, so he agreed to buy some really big hooks. At that point I asked if his fishing rod would be up to the task of really big fish and he acknowledged that it might not be so i sold him our super-long beach rod and an Acme super 5000 reel with an assortment of fine fisherman's tools and the handy fishing creel for all anglers. He was still looking interested, so I suggested that to get out to the really big fish, he might need a bigger boat and sold hime the Super Chriscraft 2700 cruiser with accommodation for twelve and ensuite bathrooms, but he thought his Mazda might not be up to the task of towing that monster so I sold him the latest Mercedes four-wheel drive to tow it. The whole lot comes to about about six hundred and twenty-five thousand, I think.""That is a stupendous effort, Jones! You are to be commended! By the way, you have a fulltime job here, if you'd like it. Amazing! So a guy comes in to buy some fish hooks and you sold all that to him!""Oh, no! He came in to buy some tampons for his wife, so I said 'That's your weekend shot to hell, you might as well go fishing!" and he agreed."Avoid strong drink! It makes you shoot at tax collectors ....and miss!(Robert Heinlein)R.J.W.S.

[Michael]

Last week was my birthday and i didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.as it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."i thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when i left for the office, i was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.as i walked into my office, my secretary jane said, "good morning, boss, happy birthday!" it felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.i worked until one o'clock and then jane knocked on my door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." i said, "thanks jane, that's the greatest thing i've heard all day. Let's go!" we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and i enjoyed the meal tremendously.on the way back to the office, jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" i responded, "i guess not. What do you have in mind?" she said, "let's go to my apartment." after arriving at her apartment jane turned to me and said, "boss, if you don't mind, i'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back.""ok." i nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".and i just sat there...on the couch... Naked.

[asra]

Image Insert: 45.3

[NiqueNaque]

I think he's a bit ambitious with the in between separations...