Time for some humour

[asra]

Country Kid Writing Home From Kapooka Army CampDear Mum & Dad,I am well. Hope you are. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone. I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform.No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack-nothing.Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why.The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Easter Show.Alls ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of cake. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload.Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - its not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8 and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end.I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.Your loving daughter,Sally

[asra]

SARA PIPALINIThree Italian nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want to be."The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and POOF she's gone.The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's gone.The third says, "I want to be Sarah Pipalini." St. Peter looked perplexed."Who?" he says. "Sarah Pipalini," replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says, "No Sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1400 men in 6 months."LlewellaWe are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

[asra]

A Public Service Announcement... How To Avoid The Flu Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.ORTake the doctor's office approach.Think about it...When you go for a shot, what do they do first?Clean your arm with alcohol.Why?Because alcohol kills germs.So...... I walk to the liquor store.I put lime in my Corona..Celery in my Bloody MaryDrink outdoors on the bar patio..Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh..Then pass out.The way I see it...If you keep your alcohol levels up,flu germs can't get you!!!LlewellaWe are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

[asra]

Just happen to have a pic of a tat this cow cocky from the Alice was boastin about at the watering hole one day ... not you is it birdy ??Image Insert: 28.9

[asra]

I reckon this is why Birdy is not silly enough to live in the "Big Smoke"[]Noah in 2005 It is the year 2005 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has " Is that right Birdy?[]Aussie Paul. []www.firebirdgyros.com

[birdy]

Hmmmmm..............I make me own laws ere,..........need I say more. [}][]Ignorance is bliss............but only till you realise you were.

[birdy]

How do you make a 1/2 kg of fat look good???Put a nipple onit.Ignorance is bliss............but only till you realise you were.

[asra]

your a sick man BirdyMark

[asra]

Political Correctness: It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar. To kick-start the anniversary celebrations, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But before he was allowed to board an RNLI Lifeboat, safety officials made him wear a lifejacket over his 19th century admiral's uniform. How Nelson would have fared if he had been subject to modern health and safety regulations.You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Appeasement."Order the signal, Hardy." "Aye, aye sir.""Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?" "Sorry sir?""England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?" "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist." "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco." "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.""In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle." "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking." "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead." "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water." "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.""That won't be possible, sir." "What?" "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected." "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy." "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral." "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd." "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled." "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.""Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons." "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?" "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy." "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral." "What? This is mutiny." "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks." "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?" "Actually, sir, we're not." "We're not?" "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.""But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil." "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.""You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King." "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules." "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?" "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.""What about sodomy?" "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir." "In that case - kiss me Hardy."

[asra]

Too Smart for 1st Grade:A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, what is your problem?"Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to Himand he agreed to take the test.Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Little Johnny: "9"Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"Little Johnny: "36"And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"The principal and Little Johnny both agree.Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?Little Johnny: "Legs"Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!) Little Johnny: "Pockets"Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"Little Johnny: "Pants"Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)Little Johnny: "Coconut"Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Little Johnny: "Shake hands"Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"Little Johnny: "Yup"Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"Little Johnny: "Nose"Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."Little Johnny: "Arrow"Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of exitement?"Little Johnny: "Firetruck"The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his butt in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself"

[asra]

Am I to assume there are are not many women gyro pilots with a computer? I was going to ask my wife for some jokes to even up the ledger, but she's a General manager, she has no bloody sense of humor.Daryl Patterson

[asra]

Daryl, there is only one female gyro pilot in Oz, Barbara Brown, and she is out mustering most of the time. Barbara is one heck of a smooth pilot. I had the pleasure of flying with her a few years back.Aussie Paul. []www.firebirdgyros.com

[asra]

But there are some female students at the moment about which we are very pleased!!! And there are other female ASRA members.LlewellaThe law of Inverse Relevance: the less you intend to do about something, the more you have to keep talking about it.

[asra]

DAJ......I love the political correctness at Trafalgar story[], however its also a sad reflection of the crap us poms have to put up with in this septic isle of ours! You Aussies wont let me in because you don't need any old gyro flying mechanics (I'm 47), whereas the only criteria for entering the UK is that you can hang on to the underside of a truck!Great forum by the way...very entertaining, it seems like the flygyro forum has gone to sleep.Kev

[asra]

Someone warn Barbara not to talk to me. In twelve yaers of flying ultralights I only ever met one female ultralight pilot and she crashed latter the same day.Daryl Patterson