Time for some humour

[MechFx]

Check out the total stranger in the background..... Crazy Poms..Image Insert: 42.89

[NiqueNaque]

This one from a friend of mine... Tom Mitchell,The BBQ...A rich white man in Darwin (Northern Territory) decided that he wantedto throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He alsoinvited Jimmy, the only x in the neighborhood. He held theparty around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone washaving a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ andflirting.At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eatingCrocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who hasthe balls to jump in."The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash andeveryone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool!Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing thecroc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts andchoke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc throughthe air like some kind of Judo Instructor.The water was churning and splashing everywhere.Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a deadgoldfish.Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool.Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a milliondollars.""Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.""How about half a million bucks then?""No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy.The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That wasamazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"Again Jimmy said no.Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"Jimmy said, "I want the name of the arsehole who pushed me in the Pool.

[asra]

not bad NickMark

[NiqueNaque]

THE STRING AND THE SPOONA timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent. I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[asra]

Ok i put a few women bashers on before, just to prove that i'm fair try these that were emailed to me;HE SAID-SHE SAIDHe said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.She said . . . You wear pants don't you?He said . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!He said . . ...... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?She said . . . I would but you're never there.He said . . ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said .. . . They don't have timeHe said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?She said ...... . . We don't know; it has never happened.He said ................ . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?She said ...... . . They already have boyfriends.She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?He said . . . A widow.He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. And my personal favourite............................. Why did the man cross the road???He heard the chicken was a ****!!!Mark

[asra]

But just to even it up;THINGY(thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.Male: Playing cricket without a box. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beerFLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.Female: An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression,male bonding. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.Female: A device for changing from one TV channel toanother.Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.MAKING LOVE(may-king luv) n.Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple canachieve.Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it. Mark

[asra]

One for all you old Bastards...Image Insert: 51.32

[Mark Horan]

Good one Lloyd

[birdy]

Woz wunder'n why I could feel a "kick' now n then.Ignorance is bliss............but only till you realise you were.

[asra]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed."What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked."It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied."A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend."Yup," replied the drunk."How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it."Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's three o'clock in the morning!" Mark

[asra]

Homeless Man Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked. "No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex." Mark

[NiqueNaque]

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it. After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

[asra]

Image Insert: 32.71

[asra]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firemans helmut and the wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat. The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck" the fireman say's with admiration."Thanks" says the little girl.The fireman takes a closer look and notices the litle girl has tied the wagon to the dogs collar and the cats testicles."Little partner" the fireman says "I don't wont to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope to the cats collar, I think you'd go faster"The girl replies thoughfully, "Your probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."Safe Flying ... ding Insanity is hereditory, you get it from your kids!

[NiqueNaque]

A little feelosophy for you...If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, where does the road with no intentions go to?.If everything is going right, stop and check yourself, something must be wrong...or about to beMurhpy was an optimist, O'Hara was a pessimist, Tomlin is a realist... nothing goes right at the right time, if at all.. and it always costs more than you planned for, that is for everything to go wrong, before it goes right again, if it does, ie, go right... stop it, pull it apart and make sure it goes wrong, because it sure as hell isn't supposed to go right..... for it to do so is a gross abberation of nature... the best you can hope for is to be able to make fun of it, but, as you can see, that is going wrong as well....Cheers...Ncik Tomlin.