Time for some humour

[asra]

A guy staggering along the street after a long night, hears a voice that says stop right or you will be hurt, so with nothing to loose he stops and a few seconds latter just up the street where he would have been the brick wall falls to the street in an all mighty mess. He shakes his head and walks around the mess to continue on his way, just before the next street corner he hears a voice that says stop right or you will be hurt, so with nothing to loose he stops again and a few seconds latter around the corner near on two wheels comes a car, this time he sobers up abit to think and ask who the hell are you? The voice replies for i'm your guardian angel here to look over you.To this he yells WELL JUST WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU WHEN I GOT MARRIED!!!Mark

[asra]

For those who own a BMW...Image Insert: 26.4

[asra]

Or Maybe a Toyota...Image Insert: 24.87

[asra]

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma []

[asra]

Redneck Computer Lingo Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter. Log Off: Don't add no wood. Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove. Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup. Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'. Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood. Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood. Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season. Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter. Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below. Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season. Byte: That's what the flies do. Chip: What to munch on. Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag. Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around. Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields. Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife. Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy. Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys. Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils. Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain. Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof. Port: Fancy wine. Enter: C'mon in. Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks

[asra]

Subject: The Pope and the Limo Driver "Well to tell you the truth" says the Pope "they never let me drive at the Vatican and I'd really like to drive today.""But I can't let you do that........ I'd lose my job!" The driver protested "what if something should happen?"......"I assure you nothing will happen," said the Pope.Reluctant to argue, the driver gets in the back and the Pope climbs in the front behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision, when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph."Please slow down, Your Holiness!!" pleads the distressed driver, but, with a boyish grin, the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh no, I am gonna to lose my license," moans the driver, as the Pope pulls over and rolls down the window. A cop approaches the Limo, but, taking a look at the driver, goes back to his motor cycle and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief, " the cop says to the dispatcher....The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a Limo going at 105mph. " So?" Bust him! "says the Chief......." I don't think that we want to do that.....He's really important..".....says the cop ...The Chief exclaims, "all the more reason! .....""No, I mean REALLY important", said the cop....Then the chief asks, "who ya got there....the Mayor?" The cop replies, "Bigger....""The Governor?" asks the chief....."Bigger....."."Well? "said the Chief, "who is it?"After a brief hesitation, the cop answers "I think it is God...."."What makes you think it is God?""He's got the Pope for a Limo driver."

[asra]

Two irish men, walking past a timber yard, see the vacancy sign, which reads.......WANTED..... tree fellers, paddy looks to his mate and says, damn.......there's only the 2 of us.Russ....A1014 NT....gods country

[asra]

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father.""The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY."But that's right!" says his dad."Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'""What's the f*cking difference?" asks the father?"That's what I said!"Remember -- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...BUT a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"Mark

[Des Garvin]

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea. The Americans were incredulous. Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine. "Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?" The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat." The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one. The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the friggin' thing about half an hour ago."Des Garvin

[asra]

The difference between guts and balls! Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, You're next.

[asra]

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As heapproached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?""There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.""Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have saidthere is something wrong with your ear or something and thendiscussed the problem further with the doctor in private."The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things ina room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?""There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear,Sir?""I can't **** out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter.Remember -- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...BUT a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"Mark

[NiqueNaque]

boney,10 pts for that effort..

[asra]

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his Mum was watching him.The kid had a bag of jelly beans.He put one in his mouth, grabbed the cat and bit it and then dropped down to the next step.Put another jelly bean in his mouth, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step.His mum, wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him."I'm playing truckies." said the kid, "Poppin pills, eating p#ssy and movin on."

[asra]

A little girl walks into her parents bedroom "Jesus Christ mum" she screams "and you want me to see a doctor about me sucking my thumb"

[asra]

a good lawyer joke(from one in texas), a lawyer and doctor are sitting in a bar,a beautiful blonde walks by, the doctor says "i sure wpould like to screw her", the lawyer replies " yeah, out of what?"